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April 9th, 2008

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cresent moon
I am a bit wary of posting whilst as drunk as I am. But the compulsion has struck and there aren't enough people online to distract me. please understand that I ma currently drunk angry and depressed as I write this shti. More than ever I understand why my father, after comign to this shithole of a country attempted suicide... TO have a reason for life, that was exopand ing some formr of huma n understanding of the world, respected by an entire community of a country for his groundbreaking research to come to a coutnry that really does not understand or respect such things... then being under the command of some pissant motherfucker who probably haven't though a single intellectual thought in his life... The one thiing i undersadtan most of all is having a a pioint to life. I have dedicated my life to knoweldege, no motherfucking matter what, no matter how hurt I am or how many times i fall on my fuckign face, I have a reason to live. That reason is not to follow any hobby or any pleasure. My reason is unattainable but tiis a concrete reason from which I can draw streength when none is available. it it is a reason that is private and for tha reason it is not dependent on anyone else but my own willingness to search. LAst year, tis what saved me, the search for knowlegem, i don;'t hitnk I would have survived otherwise. Life is chaos, chaos is can never be easy, sure, it hurts, if motherfucking hurts, right now it hurts, despite the hope of the future but whatever else, I know that I am on a path, and I know exactly what this path is. I know that I have many more years of hardship ahead of me, relieved, briefly, by whatever hobbies I acquire, but I live not to allow my hobbies to prosper but my hobbies are there to keep me alive as I folllllow my path, a path that is very fucking hard but intricksicktlyt worth itt.

I think tha myy mother just told me to have rletionshipes and sex in preparations for the person I love so taht I would b allbve to please ethem better.. I have avoided anythign but hte genuine relationship since now. SO I realloly do not know what to think oof thjiss. Ok no, my mother DID tell me to do this. To gather the relationship expericence so that when the time comes I am ready. I dunno. Had I wanted simple sex,, I could hae had it a hundred times over, all it takes ig oiing out ot the right place with the right attidud,e and I've know both for many a year now.

Ok, honestyly now, I have no fucking idea what the fuck I am taklking about. Too much fire, too much red. This is a bad idea but a bad idea I obviously subconsciously like to reakkease.

March 16th, 2008

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cresent moon
Ain't it fascinating? The questions of love and lust, theology, the strength of one's will against the tests of it?

There is more will behind my actions that often I let on. Partly, if I would, then it would go against the purpose of the exercise of willpower. Yes, I do hurt myself, (my osteo is going to kill me after this weekend) as well as in other ways, the question is. Is there a purpose to the madness? Life is this most wondrous thing of occlusion and confusion. I do love darkness so. It gives a vital mystery to this thing that we call life. It is fascinating, so very fascinating, to sink within the chaos of the sea can teach you to swim. Chaos, that is all it is. Sink or swim, order is an illusion.

February 13th, 2008

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cresent moon
Well, I'm thinking to myself, if Malu can do an update, so can I! Besides, I keep meaning to make one but never get around to it. Life has been... wow... how can I describe it but as... interesting? Note also, that this is a tuesday, the nature of tuesday means that I have just finished having philosophical, theological and sociological discussions with my mother next to a fire, consuming measures of wine and liqueur.

Lets start with the Joust. The Joust was so many levels of awesome that there ain't a way in hell that I'll be able to describe em all. The female dimension I will leave till last and probably the angstiest of places. There is something... soothing about immersing oneself into a world so far away from ours. This is not about total immersion into a specific, loved and studied time period but more of a world that is inherently different. Its hard to readjust back into the real world after spending several days in which seeing armoured men wondering about as the norm. I got to dance with the hypnotic belly dancers and the mesmerizing firedancers. I got to see men fight on and achieve victory after getting their sword hand broken and getting their sword taped in, just so that they could hold it. I have seen men and women gallop at each other at their highest speed to drive their lances into each other. After that, how CAN one fit back into the regular irregularity of everyday life? I have to say, I love my blood. I love it that its in this blood of mine to dance without a care in world of anyone else. This is an ability that has let me dance with the most beautiful and elegant of dancers as well as have the firedancers push on to me more and more flamey toys to play with. It has to be the gypsy in me. There is just this beautiful freedom in dance, freedom which is full of expression and life. Just as I long for a good moshpit, I long to dance more amongst the medieval setting, I wish I had the time to do more ceroc as well just to know what more I could do.

It took me about a week to recover from the Joust. By the end of that week I had Pan's Labyrinth. For this most wonderful of larps I had the ingenious idea that as a Lost Boy Indian, it would be totally in character for me to be bare foot.... whilst running around.... in the middle of the Motu Moana forest.... my poor, shredded feet! The game itself was really pretty fucking cool. The plot was captivating, we always had something to do, the action was tempered with interesting personal plot. Its a damn good start. Unfortunately we only had 10 people all up, only 4 players. By Saturday day, one player had to go to A&E so that lost us two people, and my feet were so fucked that I couldn't really carry on playing. Nevertheless, so... fucking... worth it. One of my favourite parts of the weekend, on the non gaming fronts was getting the opportunity to build a fire without any paper or those easily flammable materials. There is something that is just satisfying in watching a flame come out of nothing but dried leaves and spring into a bonfire that lasted us two whole days. Made me connect with the geological roots of my parents. Its the sort of thing they got to do every day whilst traversing the endless taiga. Something that I have always dreamed of doing. There is a very enlivening quality to fire jumping. Fire is a force of mercurial danger. It is hostile and dangerous. To build it, control it, make it grow, then conquer it my jumping over it, again and again and again... It is the same root as the instinct that makes us climb mountains. We know it to be dangerous, but the very process is so invigorating, despite risking health it is just completely worth it. I am a great lover of fire. It is unforgiving of any foolish mistake, it is vibrant and chaotic, its very existence is dangerous...

My Summerschool paper, by the way, is simply fantastic. Love and Death in American Fiction. I got to write my essay on Bladerunner! I've been in a state of Squee over it since finding out it was a part of the source material.

Ahh yes, this stream of consciousness that is this post has taken me to the time of the night in which sleep is becoming an important factor to consider.

So, I am the luckiest fuck where girls are involved. I dislodge this persistent infatuation on one girl with this amazing girl who turns out to be lesbian. But still, even after finding that fact out, I am proud of myself for finally having the balls to confess to a girl that I like her. Last thursday we met up for coffee, naturally my infatuation continued but somewhat altered with the knowledge that despite the flirting she held no interest in me, I thought I was very sneaky in getting her excited about the whole larp scene. Then she insidiously led me into the Argent Lords training area where I was handed a sword and will now be returning next thursday for steel sword practice... *sigh* Yeah, anyone who's been around to hear my raving lately knows how rather sad my state on the love front is, but at the very least I am not as broken as I was last year. Last year was a 2 by 4 being smashed across the back of my head, this year is me getting back up on my feat but with that lump still there.

Argh, this post ceased making any sense or continuity. Time to finish it here.

January 4th, 2008

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cresent moon
Ahh, had me a damn fine couple of days, and tomorrow looks promising too. Had to get to town early yesterday to do some more shooting for Craig's photographic novel. Unfortunately, for me to be awake early in the morning pretty much means not sleeping at all during the night. Since my sleeping patterns are fucked to the point where its all or nothing, starting Summer school is gonna be an utter bitch. As always I end up coming too early and waiting round for a long time for the other model to come along. I had a very... entertaining day shall we say. The first scene we did involved the model seducing me into a compromising position when her rather mad boyfriend comes in then proceeds to take me outside where he has a posse of wiggas waiting to kick the crap out of me. Its rather weird doing pseudo sexual scenes with complete strangers, have to constantly overcome my shyness. Its weird, I looked at the models I worked with in a completely nonsexual way. Heh, I guess I'm learning some control over myself.

I spent the night at mum's, we had a very nice dinner. With the wine and the lack of sleep the next thing I remember is waking up at 5 am to find myself lying on top of my bed, fully clothed. The kicker is, I was still tired all day after sleeping for over twelve hours. Today was mostly quiet, although I did get to feel very good and manly by chopping wood till my back couldn't take it anymore. There's something about playing with a very big axe and splitting big logs in half that makes me warm on the inside.

Tomorrow I have more shooting on the schedule. This time the dreaded, John, Brain and myself crammed into a shower scene... *shivers* The places I'm willing to go for art...

January 2nd, 2008

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cresent moon

Your Score: Dr. Allan Halsey


In H. P. Lovecraft's universe you are




Dr. Allan Halsey






Benevolence Inquisitiveness Obstinacy Discretion
highhighhighhigh

Dr. Halsey, dean of the medical school of Miskatonic University, selflessly labored to save typhoid victims when others fled for fear of contracting the disease. He died a local hero, but alas, the title of the story in which he appears foretells that his final resting place will be neither final nor restful: Herbert West - Reanimator. To be like Dr. Halsey is to be high-minded and devoted to your noble calling, eschewing the allure of the occult and forswearing all things depraved; in short, admirable but vulnerable. A little knowledge of the unsavory side of life may give you an opportunity to save yourself when it encroaches upon your cozy ivory tower. Sure, you know better than to summon up Powers Beyond Man's Understanding, but keep an eye on your more reckless colleagues!

The image above comes from Re-Animator (1995), the notoriously gory and depraved movie based loosely on Lovecraft's story. While the filmmakers took great liberties with characters and events, Dr. Halsey generally survived the screenplay adaptation process intact. Well, survived isn't quite the right word. Neither is intact, but I'll spare you the messy details. Robert Sampson plays Dr. Halsey.

Similar Entities



less inquisitive



less benevolent



less obstinate


Scoring

Your Inquisitiveness score indicates a desire to thoroughly research new activities. This may be a good or bad thing: if it stems from a fear of being ridiculed for a mistake or a mistrust of your own instincts, it's a drawback; if it's the result of rigorous training or natural curiosity tempered with skepticism, it's a strength. In either case you're more likely to study first and act later rather than move ahead rashly without getting all the facts. In Lovecraftian terms, you're the person who goes to the library, catacomb, or museum to study the ancient text, or you assemble the scattered pieces of the protective amulet before facing the horror lurking in the shadows. Alas, often it's reading the text or assembling the amulet that releases the [insert entity here], which emerges to destroy the universe beginning with you.

Your Benevolence score suggests a high degree of trust in your fellow man and an unwavering desire to help those in need. In Lovecraft's universe, this a good way to get yourself eaten, dissolved, dismembered, transported Somewhere Beyond, or locked up in an insane asylum. You tend to be vulnerable to enemies or scoundrels posing as friends asking favors or as helpless strangers with nowhere else to turn. A little skepticism may help you determine who's likely to bite the hand that feeds him and who's likely to devour the whole arm.

Your Obstinacy score indicates a high degree of perseverance and resilience. In fact, in an early draft of this test I labeled this factor Perseverance, but then I reconsidered when I realized that in Lovecraft Land it really defines how you meet your doom. You're the character who goes too far, who unlocks one more door, who reads one more inscription, who descends the 700 Steps of Deeper Slumber, who won't leave when trouble moves in next door, who drinks from the mysterious vial, who awakens Cthulhu. In other words, you don't know when to quit.

Your Discretion score indicates ability to keep a secret and go about your business without calling attention to yourself. In the real world that's a good thing, but in a Lovecraft story it can be fatal. You're the character who keeps his discoveries to himself and thus precludes any warning or rescue from those who may have unearthed a piece of the Cosmic Puzzle that could counteract the one imperiling you. When you travel into the Unknown, you go alone and tell nobody your destination; eventually it's just you standing before Something Huge and Horrible on the next-to-last page.

Test Methodology and Complete List of Characters


The comparisons below won't mean much because this test only records the categories (high, medium high, medium low, or low) of your scores rather than the exact values, and the totals only include half the possible range of characters. The comparisons at the end of The OkLovecraft Test are much better indicators of how your results compare to those of other test-takers.






Link: The Innsmouth Interpretation Test written by Utopius on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test
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January 1st, 2008

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cresent moon
So, tis the new year and I suppose this is as good a time as any to update. Possibly restart a trend. Haven't made a post in a damn long while. Its quite simple. I don't believe that privacy is possible with anything posted on the internet, so I only post about things I am willing to be open about. When I have to start worrying about somebody reading what I write then its a no go. As I have learned time and time again, unless you persistently keep up with something like posting in your LJ getting back to it is harder and harder with each passing day, week, month. Going back to posting in LJ ain't half as hard as going back to Telgard, which I sorely want to do, and soon. I feel rather dirty to have been neglecting writing fiction in my favourite place. Telgard has been the fuel for every creative outlet I pursue. Writing there translated into the way I started roleplaying when the opportunity first presented itself years ago. Its something I'm gonna have to do, and soon.

Christmas is slowly being more painless. I think this time the lead up was worse than the actual event. The fear how bad it might have been combined with my general disgust at the horrid commerciality of it all. I have this tradition with my family, since I am a poor student, instead of buying presents I bake for the Christmas dinner. I baked the entire night with no rest, and all I had to eat was some cheese and lots of tea. Made more muffins than you can shake a stick at, a modified Death By Chocolate cake, another weird and new chocolate cake and an apple/apricot cake. In the middle of the night I managed to burn my hand, lacking the proper knowledge of the best course of action I ended up just sticking my hand into a glass of water as I kept on baking with my left hand. I found it very satisfying in the end, my baking had a good reaction. In certain ways Dad and I are very, very similar. He has long accepted that I am no longer Christian, thus no longer go to church, no matter what. My sister however did not fail to make feel like shit. There are certain things about faith, church and tradition that she has not quite grasped. I guess out priorities are just different. For her, going to Church with the family at Christmas is more about tradition reliving the good old memories of when were a big happy family and there was nothing quite as special as those nights, we'd always only listen to the Beatles on the way to and from, every member of the car singing along since we all know the lyrics by heart. I don't know whether she thinks I'm being lazy and can't be bothered waiting through church or that I'm being a rebellious teen angsting out whatever. I consider it a matter of Faith. I miss those old days more than ever, if I did not have a definite faith or even if I was atheist I would still be going with them, just to spend that time with Dad and my sister. But this is a matter of principle. Afterwards we had an altogether nice evening, nothing big on the present front, my biggest treasure is a CD from Dad, its a 1983 DDT cd, their second album. DDT is my all time favourite band but it being Russian means its very fucking hard to find anything here. So that was really something special. The dinner was very nice we talked for a while, played some pool where Dad and I wiped the floor with my Sister and her husband. Finished rather early. Got some rather cold waves and sun at Bethells beach the next day before moving on to Mum's Christmas dinner. On the road there my sister decided to give me a lecture about my life. Its weird how much she turned into something she really tried not to become. Her passion for her art has turned into a materialistic drive to achieve everything the rest of the family thought she should be. I'm not naive enough to think there's no chance of that ever happening to me or that she has betrayed herself, I just miss my sister who could actually hold a philosophical debate, had original ideas, was passionate about art and ideals. Reality hit her hard I guess. Studying to be an artist leads nowhere in ninety nine percent of the cases. She turned the circle and returned to the stereotype of the good Russian girl. I guess the difference between me and her is that she learned from one side of the family, the Essins. The side of the family that never drinks, works harder than a dog, doesn't believe in the concept of a holiday, family and duty are first and only, lives always for the future. I learned from the Ivanovich side as well. The side that is more creative, likes to have a drink, living in the now, has more vitality. For me, I am trying to find a balance between both, living for the future is all well and good but you gotta enjoy the now, the moment as well. Anyway, dinner at Mum's was very nice, food was very varied and interesting, I got to play with the fire in the outdoor fireplace which my mother's fiance built. After my sister and her husband left, and my mother's fiance left for bed, I got drunk with my mother debating religion. Great fun. It seems that my entire family thinks its high time I get a move on wooing some girls.

The week following was mostly uneventful. Everything seems to be in order with studylink for the year but knowing them something might still come up after its too late. I've made a start at the Scarlet Letter which is the first book in the American Literature paper I'm doing in Summerschool, it looks to have promise, not my usual read. Spent a long time on my usual topic of thought: Larp.

New Years was very, very nice this time round. It was calm and the company was good. It wasn't a big drunken party but more of a quality time spent with good friends. It made me genuinely hopeful for this year. Last year was an utter piece of shit, the likes of which I haven't had for a long time. Saying that, there were definitely high points to it, some very nice moments at that. Unfortunately there was just so much more of the baseball-to-the-back-of-the-knees bad. That's alright now, past is in the past, ain't a damn thing I can do about it now other than look to the future and do what DDT say: Если ты, судьба, оскорбишь меня Я просто тебя убью! (If you, fate, insult me I'll simply kill you)

August 24th, 2007

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cresent moon
Gather round kiddies, let me tell you the story of magic, adventure and love. Tis the story of the young Pierre LeGrande. Long time ago his father had the only thought of even a modicum of intellect, he fell to his son's persuasions of being sent off far away to be educated in the halls of the highest learning. Thus the young of merely a decade of winters beneath his belt set off into the far lands of Prague. The young man had an impeccably bright mind and he took to his learnings with a fervor that quickly earned him respect from peers and... well... other people. For you see, his time he spent with two pursuits. He saw the pursuit of knowledge as the ladder to power. This ladder he climbed two rungs at a time. The second of the pursuits was that of endless orgies and drinking till the sun comes up. For years this continued, he won accolade after accolade and eventually he warranted a meeting with a most curious man. During a particular impassioned orgy he met a man from St Petersburg who opened his eyes to a whole other world.

Several years later there was a tinge of sinister to his grin as returned home. He came dressed in foreign finery, each ring a gift, a reward of achievement. Over his chest hung an equal sided cross that shone with power to the eyes of the seeing. Behind that sly smile of his was the promise of immortality, if only he could find the piece. There was, quite naturally, a dilemma. What he needed was power but to get that power he needed his lovely little daddy dead. But how, oh how was he to do it without causing suspicion? Oh well, maybe it would just be better to marry someone with a big dowry nearby and do it the slow way.

But what is this? Just as our hero settles down to the long and tedious approach strangers appear at the gates. MWAHAHAHAHA. On the way here they are beset by bandits, perfect. At every step all our hero has to do is emphasize the complete and utter incompetence of his lovable pappy. As dinner is served the lady of the lands next to his joined them, she brought with her the intended bride for him. She was so eager to sell her little daughter it was almost pathetic. It mattered little to him, Fleur was ten years of age, a perfectly marriageable age and she did have a mountainous dowry. Her mind would be broken easily enough, that he was sure of. He’d have himself an obedient little servant whilst he enjoyed his passions with more… open-minded women. Then, this pretty little number caught his attention. She had a whip as sharp as a knife and a mind that hasn’t been cleaned for many a year, tasty. She would do quite nicely as entertainment and escape from the dreadfully innocent Fleur. Now, for the task at hand. The little sheep with their swords and crosses already looked to him as the competent one, after all. He was the best swords man in the land and quite willing to go into combat at their side. When time was right a little coin left his bursting purse and some shadowy figures struck, aiming their stabby little daggers at daddy’s throat. Our hero fought hard, he screamed and wept for his father. The fucker survived, a temporary setback. He mourned and cared for daddy, eventually the little sheep with their swords and their crosses begged him to take power. With a gusto he did. Harsh yet in mourning over his daddy, and caring so deeply for his land that he got not a speck of sleep that night. Instead, he walked the lands and saw what trouble his people were in. At least that is what he told the others. In actuality, some of the witches in the region were really quite pretty and no one is as kinky as those devil-worshipping little nymphs, all one has to do is overlook the warts.

The next day his purse got lighter yet. Nothing like some Viking muscle to put some fear much needed fear into the land. Everything was set, all he needed to do was wait for the Fleur de Lis to surface and then immortality would be his. But an arrow, sent from the darkest shades of evil struck him from behind, piercing deep into his heart. The tasty little thing called Alys proved more than just a distraction. She was a thief, a rogue, a master of puppets. She took his heart and made him quake at the knees in fear that she would reject him. He thought that she was power hungry and would marry him if he proved to her that with him she would get the most benefit. What did he care if she only wanted him for his money and power? A mind as sharp as hers combined with that of his would make an invincible force. He arranged a ‘surprise’ ceremony, he cared little for whether his parents would approve. To his great annoyance the damned confessions held back the ceremony time and time again. How much could those nuns have done between two confessions? Now kiddies, lets take a moment to sit back and let our imaginations run free… Ok? Whew, back to the story now. As time passed daddy caught on. He picked up on the marriage, that damned loudmouth cook it must have been, and became all red and ruffled. HAH! Daddy? Thinking his opinion mattered? Our hero ran circles around him, he could have cast a simple spell without blinking but hardly had the need. His lady had intellect, she had willpower, she by far outweighed any weight in gold. All he had to do was tell the truth, garnished with lots of lies of which he was a master. Within moments daddy was quiet ecstatic at the prospect of having a daughter of Alys.

The wedding finally arrived. It was beautiful. The chapel, transformed. The wait for worth it, that was without a question. He could hardly hold himself still as the preacher preached his preachy preachings. A kiss sealed their love, forever. The two lovers only barely held themselves back from rushing to their quarters. The world heard the passion of their love and smiled serenely, they agreed with the world about the beauty of their love, they agreed quite profusely. The newlyweds where madly in love. They did not care about the outside world, all they wanted was to hold each other. But duty weighed against them. For the seat at the head of the manor was still in need of taking and Pierre had only so much patience.

As time was ticking over so where the plans in his head. He could not bear proceed before he made sure that his beloved was safe. The only way he could do that was to reveal himself to her, but there were dangers inherent in that action. What if she rejected his black heart? He could not imagine what he would do if she turned her back on him. So he decided to set a test. He cast a mighty spell. It drew his beloved to bed, then into the lands of nod which to him were clay to play with. He let her own mind show to her how false and empty the holy lord was. He showed to her the promises of Lucifer. He gave her the choice. Turn left and walk into the chapel and be with your lord or turn right and cross the bridge forever, where he awaited hid from all sight. She took out the dagger she concealed within her sleeve and plunged it deep into his heart. He screamed and wailed. “WHY?” How could she do this to him? How could he live without his beloved? His black heart twisted and tore at itself. She tricked him. She played him. She would learn what it meant to torture a man like him. He hid his pain and absence by a fabrication of an encounter with the witches. The sat there, holding each other. Each gesture of affection drove a fresh, serrated blade into his heart. All he needed was the time to gather his power! His assassin was already briefed and waiting. Cultists became the perfect distraction. The fighters were gone whilst his ghouls attacked. Whilst his ghouls attacked his assassin struck. When his assassin disappeared into the night the ghouls ate the evidence. The bastard was beyond any healing prowess. He raised in voice to rally the survivors but they were all too preoccupied with their own leaders and fears. His patience was at an end. He stormed away. When the young lord came back, fire filled his eyes and his dead puppets trailed his steps. Power flowed through his blood. With a single kick he broke down their pathetic barricades and send a storm of death against the weaklings. His assassin achieved the real mission. At the back of the combat the witches chanted, in the middle the traitorous lady. He joined her. The fool standing in his way suffered greatly. His screeching voice echoed above the sounds of slaughter. He cursed her! He cursed her body to feel the pain that stabbed into his heart. By the power of the witches they disappeared. He was back in his lair. He let the witches deal with the black hearted wretch. But no kiddies, it would not be that easy for our hero. For the witches failed. The enemy mounted an attack and rescued his beloved. Another night he would have no sleep for he threw himself against the walls of their magic. He needed her. He needed to know WHY! He wailed and he despaired but the sun arose and his master called him back.

He failed. He failed to gain the fleur de lis. He lost his wife. He lost his child. Now the Order of St Wolfgangs was coming for his master. His master was angry at him. It was a very bad thing to have an ancient vampire angry at him. Many of the order died before his master left with his wife, leaving him to destroy the order and attain the fleur de lis. But they had his wife. Those monsters held a blade to her throat. She betrayed him but he loved her. She looked at him, with those sad, beautiful eyes and reached out to him. He broke down. He ordered the rest of the vampires to stand down. Eventually, he surrendered. They had him overpowered. He was going to be dead either way, at least this way he would hold his wife in his arms one last time. They released her into his arms and his world was broken once again. He was so, so very tired. She told him his mistake. For the chapel she chose out of her love for him, that was the symbol of their love. A mistake and an undying, burning love was doomed. The Order won. The released the spirits that his master held trapped. Their love was sent free. Whilst his love was chained. The father, the same bastard who married them held their lives in his hand. With one hand he crushed Pierre LeGrande. Our doomed hero would never see his wife again. He turned away. So very fucking tired. Nothing mattered anymore. He would die soon, very soon. His master would destroy him. Yet, he could not make that last action of spite against the Order for it would mean pain for his wife and that he could not fathom doing. He cast his final spell. With his own hand he snapped his frail little neck, sending himself into eternal damnation. He loved her. He held her. He conceived their child. Without her there was no life. Thus, little kiddies, let you be warned. Love consumes. But misunderstandings are the path to destruction.

August 9th, 2007

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cresent moon
Shite, been a while since the last proper post. Which was appropriately vague and weird. The why of this is very simple. I had to worry too much about who was going to read this. If there was to be no safety then what is the point? I'm not the type to post fluff. Nevertheless, if there were value within Livejournal then I would not have been on it in the first place.

Lately I have begun to rethink the whole concept of friendship. It is not as simplistic as the person who will defend you when your back is turned. Neither is it just someone you can always talk to or have things in common with. A lot of those factors rely on the person's personality and are not necessary conditions for a 'good' friendship. I would almost go so far as to say that friendship is this natural instinct to draw closer to the people around you, the social creature within humanity. In Primeval terms it may be rooted in a "I won't stab you if you won't stab me" but that is a very primitive form of friendship. It is weird. To not be a hypocrite I have to accept that my friends will and probably do at times talk about me behind my back in a negative context yet, that does not make them any less my friends. I guess what I also have to accept that the old circle of friends that I lost, the one that involved my ex, are not Bad Friends as I have labeled them but simply human. For a long time I have been judging them on the example of the friends that I have now. The people I call friends now are a wide and varied group of people but each are really good people in one fashion or another. It would be completely hypocritical for me to keep judging that old circle by the example set by my current friends. Of course I want to demonise them, that would lessen their loss but then, that's what my ex did with me to such spectacular consequences. But yes, back to friendship. It is weird. I have friends whom I do not see for months, some for years, but the moment we are back none of that time matters. We may not know each other as much but that almost spiritual concept of friendship is there, just as strong as before. This is something I will keep deliberating on.

So, this being the first post in a long time there is no way in hell that I am going to bother summarizing that shit that I've been up to. But I will talk about the 2014 game that ran on Saturday.

Granted I started that game with a lot of vested interest to making it good. I have been working on my character for months before and have made someone that I absolutely love. His is a dark and fucked up tale of a man who grows up without a soul, commits some of the worst atrocities imaginable for his own sociopathic desires but under the order of the government. Then things get fucked up and he is on a path of gaining a soul in the first place. Yeah, ok, that is a fucking horrible synopsis but I don't want to recount that story for the hundredth time. The game lived up to the hype. There was a live DJ set made by Craig and Ian, which really kicked some arse. It made me curse at not having the dancing type of character. The entire game was incredibly atmospheric and immersive. It helps a lot to be able to dress in modern day clothes for costuming. The other players were all nothing short of fantastic. I am still flying from that game. I will be awaiting the next proper game with baited breath.

May 27th, 2007

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cresent moon

Your Score: Modern, Cool Nerd


65 % Nerd, 56% Geek, 13% Dork




For The Record:



A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.

A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.

A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.



You scored better than half in Nerd and Geek, earning you the title of: Modern, Cool Nerd.



Nerds didn't use to be cool, but in the 90's that all changed. It used to be that, if you were a computer expert, you had to wear plaid or a pocket protector or suspenders or something that announced to the world that you couldn't quite fit in. Not anymore. Now, the intelligent and geeky have eked out for themselves a modicum of respect at the very least, and "geek is chic." The Modern, Cool Nerd is intelligent, knowledgable and always the person to call in a crisis (needing computer advice/an arcane bit of trivia knowledge). They are the one you want as your lifeline in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (or the one up there, winning the million bucks)!



Congratulations!




Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in any of the following:



Buffy the Vampire Slayer




Professional Wrestling






Love & Sexuality




America/Politics




Thanks Again! -- THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST




Link: The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test written by donathos on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test




Your Score: The World


You scored 75 change, 74 wellbeing, 86 wisdom, and 51 truth








This card represents the continuance and never-ending cycle of life. The four figures in the corners of the card represent the 4 fixed zodiac signs that represent that the laws of the universe remain unchanged and orderly. The wreath surrounding the woman is symbolic of a zero which is the symbol of god and from which all things emerge.



some extra words:



integrating

experiencing wholeness

bringing parts together

achieving dynamic balance

combining

creating synthesis

joining together

working in unison



accomplishing

realizing your goals

prospering

achieving your heart's desire

seeing dreams come true

flourishing

finding a beautiful solution



becoming involved

contributing

healing

rendering a service

using a gift or talent

sharing what you have

giving of yourself

feeling engaged

being active



feeling fulfilled

savoring the present

taking pleasure in life

enjoying peace of mind

getting satisfaction

finding contentment

counting your blessings




Link: The What tarot card resembles you Test written by KamikazeParrot on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test




Your Score: Cat Burglar


You scored 77% Subtlety, 0% Leadership, and 83% Forethought!




Brilliant. You're the subtle type, and you know what you're dealing with (more often than not, anyway). Keep it under the radar, and you'll come out of it all one smiling bastard. Make sure to trust your gut, because with the knowledge you've developed, it's a bad move to go against it.

You work alone, and it's not bad to stay that way. A mildly paranoid thief is a thief who gets out alive and uncaught. Two pieces of advice: 1. Never go unprepared; working alone means you've got to be perfect, all by yourself. and 2. Never attach yourself to anything you can't walk away from in 30 seconds or less.



Ideal Targets: Rich houses. Yummy.

Ideal Heists: Burglary- How sweet it is!

Movies: To Catch A Thief, The Pink Panther



Please rate this well.




Link: The Thief Type Test written by Ragman on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test




Your Score: Smart Paladin


51% Combativeness, 40% Sneakiness, 76% Intellect, 72% Spirituality




Valorous! Noble! Or possibly just a self-righteous jerk (but with the brains to keep you alive!)... You are a Smart Paladin!


Paladins are holy warriors. They are valorous defenders of the light. Unfortunately, most of them are so ardent in their defense they tend to meet sticky ends faster than you can say "rampaging red dragon." Many people look up to Paladins, while others just consider them stuck up, overbearing, or self-righteous.


Fortunately for you, unlike most Paladins, you're pretty smart. Which means that you're more likely to fall into the "admired" category, rather than the "obnoxious" or "dead" categories.


Much like the crusades, you manage to combine violence and religion, though unlike the crusades, you add a healthy does of intelligence. You may be a staunch defender of the faith, a valorous champion of the weak, or the stuff that jihads are made of. Which ever one you are, just be happy that you�ve got the smarts to back it up and make it work.




Link: The RPG Class Test written by MFlowers on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

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cresent moon

Your Score: Neutral-Good


66% Good, 44% Chaotic




Plane of Existence: Elysium, "Blessed Fields". Description: The plane of peace. Notable Inhabitants: Guardinals - noble immortal humanoids with bestial features.




Examples of Neutral-Goods (Ethically Neutral, Morally Good)




Cloud Strife (FFVII)

Boogenhagen (FFVII)

Mother Theresa

Ghandi

Sidhartha Gautama (the Buddha)

Gandalf

Bilbo & Frodo Baggins

Samwise Gamgee

Indiana Jones

The Dali Lama

Ben (O-Bi-Wan) Kenobi

Luke Skywalker

Harry Potter

Hermionie

Dumbledore




Often goes along with the laws and desires of the group as being the easiest course of action, but ethical considerations clearly have top priority. May pursue quite abstract goals. Often aloof and difficult to understand.




Will keep their word to others of good alignment

Would not attack an unarmed foe

Will not use poison

Will help those in need

May work with others

Indifferent to higher authority

Indifferent to organizations



Neutral Good "Pure Good"

"Benefactor"




A neutral good [person] will obey the law, or break it when he or she sees it will serve a greater good. He or she is not bound strongly to a social system or order. His or her need to help others and reduce their suffering may take precedence over all else. Neutral good [people] do good for goodness' sake, not because they are directed to by law or by whim.



This alignment desires good without bias for or against order.



Other Alignments and Tendencies (Tendenices are what you would more often sway towards; esp. for Neutrals):

0-39% Good, 0-39% Chaotic: Lawful-Evil

0-39% Good, 40-60% Chaotic: Neutral-Evil

0-39% Good, 61-100% Chaotic: Chaotic-Evil

40-60% Good, 0-39% Chaotic: Lawful-Neutral

40-60% Good, 40-60% Chaotic: True Neutral

40-60% Good, 61-100% Chaotic: Chaotic-Neutral

61-100% Good, 0-39% Chaotic: Lawful-Good

61-100% Good, 61-100% Chaotic: Chaotic-Good




Link: The Alignment Test written by xan81 on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test

April 29th, 2007

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cresent moon
Shit. My life is speeding so fast that I had far too little time to sit and reflect, as well as post that is. There has been nothing 'same old' or 'normal' about how things have been going. I balk at making the attempt to undertake the description of what I have been up to. So I will leave that to later posts. The reason I felt I needed to post something now is simply that it helps me analyze and develop my own thoughts.

Last night I was lying on the porch at Awhitu, during Ravenholme. Everybody else was in the cabins nearby, they were waiting inside to represent a trip from the manor house and a village. I got a chance to be alone in an absolutely beautiful night. It was surreal, I was so close to the rest of the players that I could hear them talking and yet at the same time I was alone and able to enjoy the silence of the night. In the distant skies there flickered the multitudes of little lights from the city, below a very convulsed and chaotic sky. The moon was bright so the clouds were colored with a range of color ranging from blackish blues to whitish silvers. Periodically there would be white flashes in the sky as planes lifted off from Auckland and entered into the mass of clouds. The moon was past the half way mark in its growth cycle, it was big enough to shine through the lighters clouds that passed it and was quite brilliant when there was no cover.

I actually had more time for reflection than I could expected, and this I really needed. I think I have finally came to an important decision. Something about this night has helped me see what I have been missing and struggling with. What I have found I will ponder over within the coming month. This is going to be a very significant month, and this passing one is just as significant as the catalyst. The month of May will be the month I take control:
1. I will not chase girls. I will seek to eliminate flirting from my behavior.
2. I will not get drunk. Not even in the slightest. I will drink in honor of special people at special events, only red and not enough to touch my mind.
3. I will deny my sexuality. I will not search for any sexual pleasure, alone or with others.
4. I will not let my habits control me. Specifically this refers to my fingers. My nails are never anything more than bitten down knobs. I even bite the flesh around my fingernails. I have been 'trying' to quit for a long time. This is a particularly hard task.
5. I will reflect upon myself. The whole point.

I have made the decision to do this for the month of May. I made the decision in Wellington and since then have started living it despite it being early. This is not simply about control. I have been looking at myself and I am forcing myself to confront truths about myself that may not be all that pretty. I will also immerse myself within temptation rather than seek to hide from it. As control is the entire point of this exercise it is vital for there to be things to tempt me to break. Already there have been several moments that I almost convinced myself that this is stupid and I shouldn't bother. Even better, to indulge now before its May. This will be interesting to say the least. I feel good about this. I feel that right now it is important for me to do this. I have been spiraling out of control. Walking without direction. I was wrong, I will not shoot blind, I will find my own path with eyes open.

March 26th, 2007

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cresent moon
Last Tuesday I blew up at my mother. This is a start of a Freudian dialect I believe. Lets try a bit of psychoanalysis. Lately I have noticed that unlike many, probably more intelligent people, I do not stay out of conflicts amongst friends. I am constantly trying to clear up the dirt between friends. I cannot stand it when one side has the wrong impression of the other. I loath miscommunication and misunderstanding. It frustrates the hell out of me whenever I hear someone talk about other people under fallacious premises. Now, I could say that this comes from my path on the search for truth, or that I really care about my friends and cannot stand to see them suffer from untruths. However, when I blew up at my mother I realized that there is a deeper, almost pathological reason for this. Why did I blow up at my mother?

She took me to the dentist one day, I ended up needing a double root canal and a shitload of feelings. The total bill ended up somewhere in the 17 hundreds. On the first appointment she payed the dentist about 460-480$ with a further invoice for another 13 hundred. For this she made a deal with my father. He would pay half of the bill. My next appointment cost 580ish$. I ask him for half the money for the next appointment, he goes "WTF?" You see, my mother failed to mention that she payed for that first bill which was not on the invoice. So, him thinking that he payed his share, the request for more dough quite naturally sounds like she is trying to leech more money off him, brings back memories... I tell him "She payed for the first bill that was 470$" "Oh yeah? Well should I start counting that I payed for a whole year of her petrol after we divorced?" Paraphrased, quite naturally, I'm not writing in Russian. He gave me the money in the end, because that is they kind of man that he is. Only when gave it to me he said that he would never make any deals with my mother again, if he had to pay for something like this again then he would pay it all himself, even if it costs that much, rather than deal with my mother again.

How long was it since they divorced? I think I was in fourth form. At the time it completely fucked me up. Since then I have come to realize that each and every one of their problems rose up from a lack of communication and a lack of understanding of the other's psyche. I have lost count of how many times I tried to explain to the other why their opposite did what they did. I was always the man in the middle. I saw both sides, I understood both sides. However, no matter what I did I could not make the other understand. I have been doing this for every year since the divorce. Last week it finally hit me, like a brick to the face. No matter what I do, I cannot make them see through the point of view of the other. They are fundamentally different. The two sides of the family, the Essin's and the Ivanovich', are pretty much the opposite of each other. I am quite sure that eventually, if not already, what I do will be seen as manipulative meddling, or something along those lines, and I will pay the price. On one hand, I do not mind paying the price if I manage to help out a friend.

Well Freud, at least tonight, you are right. My problems arise from my conflict with my mother. Hmmm, maybe it has something to do with my being in love with my mother but then finding her actions repulsive. Or my mutual understanding with, and fear of, my father is conflicting with the love of my mother. So I am projecting my conflict with my parents onto people who are in any situation with an even a slight resemblance to theirs. I am not ruling any of it out. Feel free to suggest other alternatives if you have any understanding of Freud. The point of this post was of simple self analysis. Understand is the first step to dealing with a problem. Now that I have given up on trying to make my parents understand each other, mayhap I can find a way to deal with it.

March 25th, 2007

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cresent moon
Wow, that weekend completely kicked arse in so many completely unexpected ways.

On Friday it starts. I was in town with Cameron and Daph, first we hit Logos, on the way picking up Gene. Had a genuinely nice, relaxing time. We headed down to Shanghai Lil's, which is my new favourite bar. There was some nice, light jazz sung by a woman that wasn't too bad. The atmosphere of the place was awesome, I quickly fell in love with the decor. Sriday, Malu, Nikki and Craig joined us soon after. We were having a good time chatting, when something completely unexpected. Whilst getting drinks with Sridat we stumbled apon a girl I haven't seen in a very long time. Ruth.

History: Ruth and I were almost always in the same classes of some subject or form class during our stay in Avondale College. She used to be part of the clique of popular girls whom I hated with all my heart. Although, in those days I used to hate very liberally. I was The freak of the form year and they were the intellectual socialites. Later I found out that they had even made up a song about me. Something about hanging myself. By 7th form I was a very different person. So were they. As one of the very few males within psychology I got to see them in a new light. We chatted and even gained a measure of friendship. Whilst going to Uni for psychology that year I got to spend a lot of time with her, and quite naturally I fell for her. Of course, back then I did not have the slightest chance. This was long before I had ANY experience with women. Naturally I failed to even ask her out for anything as little as coffee. I let the crush go, convinced myself that I had no chance what so ever and that she was probably too different for me anyway.

Back to the now. Sridat took the initiative after we initiated conversation. Luckily the topic of movies somehow came up and Sridat invited them along to see 300 and Pan's, as well as Grindhouse the week after. I took this opportunity to ask for her number, which I got. They came back with us and we spent the rest of the night chatting. My old feelings for her were relit. She is very intelligent, always was, and very pretty too. I will be texting her in the middle of next week, I'll ask her out for coffee at the same time.

I spent the night at Sridat's... again. We spent the first half of the day shooting each other with very pretty bb guns we bought. Fun time but not important in the grander scene of the weekend. When evening came we met up with Nikki, Patrick and Malu to see Tis Pity She's A Whore at the Silo theater. That... just blew my mind. I was quitely giggling with excitement for half the bloody, sadistic play. It was simply exquisite. Ok, I may not be the most experienced person in regards to productions, there is still time, but I thoroughly enjoyed it and thought that they did an excellent job overall. From there we returned to Sridat's for a party with singstar. And a great party it was. It was nice and small, excellent company, and of course, singstar. I am completely worthless at singstar, I sing to have fun not out of any measure of skill. Hell, it was just a damn good night. I went to bed completely satisfied. I am glad that we are doing more and more within that circle of friends.

For the final piece of good surprises. My dad was giving me a lift home from the city as no trains or busses go to my home on Sundays, I was thinking to myself that I did not like how we lost communication. I have been trying to fix my problems left and right and this was one that was kinda bugging me. I was thinking of how to initiate a conversation that didn't sound fake with my dad when out of the blue he starts it himself. This is after month's of nothing but the radio in the car every time he gave me a lift anywhere. We end up having a discussion on Hegelian master and servant dialect. Apparently my father is a good Hegelian even though he could not understand all of his theories, he's also a Sartrerian existentialist just like myself.

Anyway, time for bed, I actually planned to go to bed early tonight.

March 22nd, 2007

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cresent moon
Tis been a long time since last I updated. Ahh... how to catch up for such a long time of absence...

As always life is, I have had my moments of up and crashing downs. There is no such thing as a stable position. Of that I am getting to be certain. What there are, is internal levels of strength against change. Better phrased, I would call it Strength to Change rather than against. It is the reserves of adaptability that we all have. Within any certain moment in time we can stand a certain amount of negative events and stay strong or happy. That, I find, is strength. The reserve of adaptability. Lately, my reserve has been hit repeatedly. Yet, at the same time I have stumbled upon wells of replenishment. These wells can be something as simple as watching Day Watch. I was completely revitalized, it was just so refreshing to see such a brilliant movie, what really made it special for me was that it was in Russian. Today I even asked the book lady in the market to find me some Russian books so that I can regain any amount of competence in reading again. I have found large reserves within friends as well. Often it is mutual aid and the concrete knowledge that there are people around you who genuinely care for you and for whom you can genuinely care for is something to be treasured.

Tonight I have called my ex, I asked her for coffee so that we could talk and get closure. She rejected it. Calling her was the scariest thing that I have done in a long while. It just felt so... unnatural. It placed me in a place between up and down, good and bad. Its been a pretty shitty two weeks with certain specific wells keeping me up. Nevertheless I've been quite down. Now, I don't know. Talking with my friends tonight have helped me immeasurably. We shall see what the week has yet in store for me for it by far not over.

January 31st, 2007

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cresent moon
Lately I have been able to see with greater and greater clarity how glorious and beautiful this world is. I have been having this wonderful feeling of contentment and power. I have been taking steps forward, which have taken me from good to better. Toda.. well yesterday it reached this wonderful climax. I was sitting on a bench under the shade of trees. It was during the break in my two hour philosophy lecture. I have had a great tutorial in English full of debate and discussion. The lecture in philosophy was fascinating. I haven't slept the night before because I had a Mini-Lan with Peter. Thus I was full of caffeine. It just struck me, how beautiful it all was. The excitement and fear of the essay that is due... today now. The knowledge that I would not sleep this night either yet still pull off the essay. It just felt glorious. Now, I was sitting alone, and out comes that girl that I have a crush on and sits right next to me. Now she is looking absolutely stunning. We sat and chatted for a bit before returning back to lecture, I was literally flying. Thanks to this feeling and the coffee half the second hour was me debating with the lecturer, which was just so much fun.

America came along and Adam from NZLarps came to talk to Chris and Kristen about OWBN. I was both excited and nervous. I really wanted the two to get along as I love both. As it happened they both behaved admirably. They seemed to both walk away satisfied. Following that, Chris' Project Twilight was a exquisite as always. I lost yet another character at the point of getting a character sheet. That's cool however as my new character is really quite cool, Stefan Gregovic the gypsy acrobat! A friend dropped me off home to write my essay. Great ride too, good music, better company.

I come home, and an old friend takes a shotgun and shoots this bird straight out of the sky. This is the friend that is currently dating my second ex. We were at the best friend status at one point. This is what he says this (I don't feel right paraphrasing, so this is a copy of the log of two conversations this evening):

Luee. hey, are you coming to kiri's thing?
Vanya. What Kiri's thing?
Luee. ah, good
Luee. don't worry
Luee. see you later
Luee. actually, please don't
Luee. ever
Vanya. What the hell man?
Luee. come on vanya
Luee. surely you know
Luee. what she's said
Luee. it sickens me
Vanya. And what exactly did she say I do wonder.
Luee. im sure you know
Luee. and im sure you know i believe every word of it
Vanya. I would have thought that you would have learned to hear the other side of the story by now.
Luee. not anymore
Luee. not when she went to the doctor to get tests done
Luee. not when she cried on my shoulder for hours
Vanya. What the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK?
Luee. thats all i wanted to know, whether kiri had talked to you
Luee. since she hasn't
Luee. i'm off
Luee. work in the morning
Vanya. What the fuck did she say?
Vanya. Goddamn you're all fucking pathetic.
Luee. alright man, alright
Luee. just whatever you do
Luee. please
Luee. don't
Luee. ever
Luee. talk to us again
Luee. or go to michaels parties, if you're invited.
Vanya. Dude, I hold no obligation to you if you aren't even willing to tell me what I allegedly done. I currently hold you both in much contempt. I would not have thought that either of you would sink that low.
Vanya. Did she tell you I raped her? We had sex? The closest it might have come to that was at Jeremies but not only did it not go all the way but Alisha burst into the room at a point. I'm fucking confused. Did I lose my virginity without noticing? Not only that but I am now pissed off.
Vanya. If you're not fucking willing to tell me the truth then don't expect to fucking bully me.
Vanya. Unlike the two of you I am quite fucking open with the truth, no matter how painful.

Luee says:
alright, i'm back
Luee says:
i couldn't sleep
Luee says:
now
Luee says:
i'm sorry, i overreacted
Luee says:
i shouldn't have said what i did
Luee says:
it doesn't matter what she said
Luee says:
but i was just...so upset
Luee says:
anyway
Luee says:
im not here for long
Luee says:
i just wanted to say
Luee says:
she hasn't told a soul but me what she did
Luee says:
whether its true or not
Vanya says:
Look man, I am currently very, very angry at both of you. Now this is a bad time for me to be angry as I have a very important essay due in tomorrow and haven't slept last night either. I take anything said against me very, very seriously.
Luee says:
very well
Luee says:
i haven't said anything against you
Luee says:
i'll leave you to your essay
Vanya says:
Hah
Vanya says:
I can't do my fucking essay because my heart is pumping so hard I can hardly breath.
Vanya says:
I have even taken out every single sad song out of my playlist just to give me a chance to slow my heart.
Luee says:
hmm
Luee says:
try coldplay
Luee says:
if you've got any
Luee says:
anyway
Vanya says:
I don't.
Luee says:
this isn't for now
Luee says:
i really should get to sleep
Luee says:
i'm not going around saying things, i dont do that
Luee says:
so...
Luee says:
good luck
Vanya says:
Never, ever try to bully me again.
Luee says:
bully you?
Luee says:
i merely want you to stay away
Vanya says:
If you have a problem with me, you stay away. I no longer give any thought to either of you. You have proven yourself to be not worthy of any.
Luee says:
thankyou
Luee says:
your reasons don't matter to me, its the outcome that counts.


I have been doing psychology for many a year. I know of occurrences when people make up memories, usually unconsciously. My ex wanted a reason to hate me, so it looks like she has made a very damn good reason to do so. It took me several hours for my heart to stop beating as if it was about to burst. Now I am taking a break from my essay, which is going finely. I have lived through almost a decade of pseudo-suicidal mild depression. I have learned many a thing and I have grown an immeasurableness amount since then. Something like this is not going to rip me apart. I have truth on my side and that is the most important thing. I actually do not mind dropping some old friends, the good ones won't leave me and since Uni, I have gained so many more fantastic ones. So, this bloodied bird takes the air once more, this wound might keep me from flying as high as before for a while but I will come out of it.

Tomorrow I plan to ask that girl out for coffee, that is if she comes to tutorial. Its the best time as that is the one time when she is not in the company of her friends.

January 17th, 2007

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cresent moon
A quick update this time.

This is quite uncanny. I realized something today. Had it been about two or three years ago I would currently be quite depressed. Yet, I am just so very happy right now. Its a case of, sure, I have shit in my life, but what possible benefit is there for me if I waste my time and thought on it? This is something I've known for a long time but have finally entered the stage of life in which I can take it to heart. Nietzsche remarked that the weaker, the more powerless a person is, the uglier the world seems to them. I am making my world beautiful. I got that quote from an interview I found today with a Priestess of the Temple of Set. It reinvigorated. Yet, it came after I found its meaning within myself. How weird life is.

In line with this feeling, I am learning to have much more healthier crushes. I am not going to be the obsessed little puppy as I was guilty of being last year and the year before and the year before. I am just going to enjoy myself within her company and let things happen if they will.

Oh yes, Telgard is going fantastically. My story is moving off the ground now, I love my moderator and she is nefarious enough to suit my character.

Now, I have to read the entire Richard the III tonight.

January 15th, 2007

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cresent moon
So, we are well into the new year and I have finally decided to make a post again!!! Does this mean that I will be back to semi regular updates? You are just going to have to wait and see!

I approached this year with much trepidation. The workload seemed both daunting and lonely, as well as a myriad of other concerns. I met the year in a very... nice fashion. It was at the Ellerslie flat, there was plenty of good conversation. Much, much conversation regarding One World By Night. The alcohol of choice for me was a mixture of liquers. Quite naturally I got more drunk at my mother's Christmas shindig than at an actual party.

Uni began and life returned to order. Sure, studylink is a bitch and I'm still flat broke, but at the very least there is a routine again. I'm actually getting frightened of how I'm going to actually pay off all the expenses that have accumulated when I finally do get my student allowance back. I am in love with both of my papers. English: Age of Shakespeare is thrilling. I have just fallen in love with the tragedy of Iago. I have Laura and Oscar to keep me company. Tomorrow I get to have a free lunch as I volunteered for Class Rep again. I just realised that I've been a Class Rep during the entirety of my stay at Uni. I must be insane.

Now, Philosophy of Religion is a whole different matter. I came into it with a slightly dubious outlook but all my misgivings were dismissed within the first lecture. The lecturer is good! The two hour lecture usually has a minimum of half an hour of student debate. My one problem is that I have to control myself not to put my hand up on every single question. Saying that, we do have some brains in the class. Now, the tutorials are a WHOLE different matter. Now, during the first lecture, the was a girl in the corner of the lecture room, just out of my sight, who raised some very astute points. However, I did not manage to catch her face. So, during tutorial I find myself looking at this girl on the opposite side of the room. Her face kinda struck me quite quickly. She fails to mention her name during her introduction. During the tutorial I find out that she knows how to debate and is really quite intelligent. After tutorial I meet her in the street outside the Fisher building as I stay behind debating Nietzsche with a couple other students. She joins our discussion but quickly has to go to meet a friend, I am quite naturally too shy to ask for her name in time. So, we finish our debate and all depart our separate ways. I'm listening to music as I walk and get something thrown at me, then see a friend of mine calling me over. Then I realize, there are two people next to him, one of whom is that girl. So we actually met properly and got to talking. It was great. At the very least I'll have a good friend to talk to.

Ravenholme the Victorian Larp came and went. That was a fantastic night. Everyone was dressed in exquisite dress. A beautiful mix of dark and sensual. I loved the theme of the whole game. At one point the lord of the house gave us all a glass of green to drink, after we drunk it he told us all that it was poison. My character realized at that point that if he had only two hours to live then he would really live them. So he skulled down the rest of the poison and enjoyed himself. First with the prostitute, then he saw that one of the puzzles for a cure was written in an occult scripture. It just so happened that one of his specialties is Occult Scripture. So the only character who was actually enjoying the fact that he would die in two hours, solved the puzzle and took a shot of the cure. Anyway... it was a great success. As I was searching for a character to play I found another figure in history worth some research. Giosue Carducci the Satanist who won the Noble Prize for literature. Fascinating man.

Well, this year is going to be fascinating. This is going to be a trial that I have made for myself.

October 29th, 2006

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Waoh... just... whoa...

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Nightmare Circle Afterlarp last night kicked some serious arse. I was a bit overexcited so I ended up in town at about 3 when my train to the Barracks was only leaving at ten past 5. I was quite naturally a bit shy with a shole new group of people but things quickly loosened up. Twas a great start and only got better. For one, I proved that guys can be just as stretchy as girls, although if Brian wasn't recovering from having four wisdom teeth pulled out he would have been right there with me. There was great torture of Anna, however, it was completely gentlemanly. Gentlemanly in that I told her I was going to do it first. Her own fault for not stopping me. :P Only thing missing was the music and the dancing which was replaced by an awesome game of Smee. The best part of which was that quite often we all ended up in quite compromising positions. Always seemed to be either me with AJ or Juliet AKA Angry Shubbers. Which was quite natural as I was Hastur the King in Yellow. Must say though, when Anna changed into Jackuline with her claw and axe, chasing me in the dark, it was fucking scary. Brilliant! Later in the night, when quite a few people left we all gathered in a room and played "I have never." Raoul and Porl got very drunk... It was a great night for connecting with really great people. Then this morning we went to Denny's. Woah... Porl ran the One World By Night game for a few years, twas fantastic to talk to him about Vampire the Masquerade and the World of Darkness in general. He gave me some damned useful advice as well. That's right Daphne, I am going to kill you now. So much simpler and safer than my original plans at that.

Oh yeah, first exam tomorrow. If I fail two of the exams, as I am only shaky about the two, then I will get a job and move out. Yes, I am pissed off. Quite simply because I could have taken A's on both of these papers, but no, instead I'm in danger of failing them.

October 25th, 2006

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In the spirit of continueing updates: ARMAGEDDON!!! SQUEEEEEEEE
Needless to say I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Summer Glau was pure awesomeness. She's so shy and sweet and prrrrty. I got a photo of her and myself, signed too. Got a shirt with a picture of her as well. Overall ninety dollars just on Summer. All three days I was mostly hanging with the BlueScar team, its great having Armageddon friends. I think it was on the second day that I met up with all the Larping people. That was a bad, bad move. We forced David into buying the Larp Katana he really wanted, but it backfired. He then forced me to buy the Sabre I really wanted. That's a lot of dough gone, DAMN YOU LARPERS!!!

Speaking of those damnable Larpers, I've had the Mordavia: Endgame in my mind since last Mordavia. Very excited about it. If I get the chance to play Prince Brutus again I'll have a very pretty Sabre to go along with him. :D

During filming on Sunday night, I have learned that I do not have the muscles developed for normal Larp fighting. I have stabbing, rapier, muscle. A few actual swings of the sword hurt my wrist, this means that I have a lot of practice to before Mordavia... Practice instead of study... eeek.

On Monday, I got to be a Tour Tart. Advertisement for the BlueScar comics. At least this time I wasn't the only one, however, Murk had a lot longer skirt than I got. There were several times when I got mistaken for an actual woman... At least I can say that all the KAOS people have seen me in worse. Wait a sec... Isn't that a bad thing for a guy to say? Needless to say Armageddon finished off on a high note. Then I got to see Bladerunner at the cinema which was amazing in its awesomeness. I forgot just how brilliant it was.
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